Crimes Against Hair-manity
A bad haircut is a rite of passage. Whether you have your stylist on speed dial or hack at your hair with kitchen scissors, chances are you’ve been less than happy with a haircut. Whatever your hair woes may be, here are 10 hairstyles for men and 10 for women that are universally unflattering regardless of hair texture or face shape…starting with the fellas.
Commander, U.S. Naval Forces Europe-Africa/U.S. 6th Fleet on Wikimedia
1. Bowl Cut
Our thoughts are with anyone who was forced to endure the bowl cut as a child. Less a haircut and more an intricate humiliation ritual for schoolchildren, the bowl cut was born in the 12th century as a quick and easy style for European peasants. If there were any justice in the world, the bowl cut should have died there, but alas.
2. Rattail
Perhaps we should leave tails to the rats. Whether it’s braided, permed, or straightened, a rattail makes your face look unbalanced. Unless you’re doing a really method Jedi Padawan Halloween costume, we suggest you either grow all your hair out or make friends with a pair of scissors.
3. Flattop
The flattop may be as all-American as baseball and apple pie, but that isn’t necessarily a good thing. The flattop adds unwanted bulk to square faces and is one of the least forgiving styles for receding hairlines. A hairstyle way past its prime, we recommend you steer clear from the flattop unless you’re going for a Reagan-era politician look.
4. Ducktail
Once a symbol of youth and nonconformity thanks to greasers and Elvis, the ducktail has swung around to being one of the least flattering hairstyles you can wear. Not only is it dated, but the amount of product needed to maintain this style leaves hair looking more greasy than Greased Lightning.
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Inc. Reproduction Number: LC-USZ6-2067 Location: NYWTS -- BIOG on Wikimedia
5. Comb-over
We understand how hard it is to lose your hair, and we understand the urge to disguise that loss for as long as possible. Unfortunately, the comb-over makes the problem worse by drawing attention to it. Our advice is twofold: accept that your hair is balding, and go for it. Shaving it all off with confidence or rocking that male-pattern baldness is more flattering than a comb-over could ever be.
6. Man Bun
Men have been growing their hair out and tying it back for literally thousands of years, but it’s about how you wear it. The man bun—its reputation tarnished by try-hard Brooklyn hipster types in the mid-2010s—begs onlookers to notice and compliment it. Unfortunately, this hairstyle is only taken seriously in samurai movies.
7. Caesar Cut
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears; I come to bury Caesar’s haircut, not to praise it. While the Caesar cut may be easy to style, it can also lead to protruding foreheads, frequent trips to the barber, and an altogether unfinished look, as though you just cut off a worse, much longer haircut. Augustus’s #1 fanboy, Mark Zuckerberg, stopped wearing his Caesar cut in 2024, and so should you.
8. Wannabe Rockstar
We weren’t quite sure what to call this one, as it’s more of a vibe or a collection of styles than one unified cut. Layered and landing anywhere between your chin and shoulders, this shaggy and noncommittal hairstyle aims for rock and roll but ends up closer to soccer mom territory.
Library of Congress Life on Wikimedia
9. Curtains
Every heartthrob in the 90s may have rocked those floppy, middle-parted curtain fringe, but the passage of time is relentless and unforgiving. The center part may have defined an era, but it also leaves its wearers stuck in that era. Young men are impossible to take seriously with it; older men look like they’re desperately trying to hold onto their youth.
10. Modcut
Aka the mop top, wings, or whatever Justin Bieber had going on in 2009, this limp hairstyle blocks off half your face and flips out at the sides like you’re preparing for takeoff. Another hairstyle with roots in every youth subculture from beatniks to surfers, the modcut drags your facial features down to the jowls. Leave this one to your Beatles and Monkees records and join us in the 21st century.
Now that we’ve discussed some of the least flattering hairstyles for men, let’s look at some cuts and styles that women should avoid.
1. Wet Look
This recent style has been worn on red carpets by the likes of Kim Kardashian who can literally pay hundreds of dollars to look like she just got out of the shower. Limp and lifeless, this slicked-back look ends up squaring off hairlines and weighing down your luscious locks.
2. Microfringe
Unless you have very distinct features or are wearing this style specifically for a magazine editorial, microfringe often disappoint. Much like the Caesar cut, microfringe can look unfinished, the consequence of one too many impulse haircuts. However, anyone with fringe will tell you how quickly it grows back, so in a worst-case scenario you won’t have to wait long for a more wearable style.
3. Top Knot
With so many different types of buns, there are bound to be one or two duds in the mix. We understand wanting to keep your hair out of your face, but when balanced smack-dab on the top of your head, it looks a little goofy. Don’t just take it from us—an article in the New York Times said that a high bun “conveys a certain uncouth youthfulness, a sense of unseriousness.”
4. Pageboy
Another medieval hairstyle, the pageboy could ostensibly be worn by all genders and face shapes but flatters none. The flipped-under, blunted edges make even the softest of features look matronly and severe, and the harsh, textureless lines look flat.
5. Karen Bob
This inverted bob with chunky highlights is distinctive for all the wrong reasons. Popularized by Kate Gosselin of John and Kate + 8, the hairstyle has since become associated with the Karen meme: middle-class white women who throw hissy fits at the slightest inconvenience. Avoid the negative associations and go for a French bob, lob, or shaggy pixie instead.
6. Low Ponytail
While less damaging than high ponytails, low ponytails come with their own problems. Not only can tight tails cause headaches and hair loss, but they can also make your face look wider or more oval. Unless you’re going to saddle up your horse for a Founding Fathers reenactment, we recommend wearing your ponytail somewhere around the middle of your head.
7. Spiral Perm
Perms do a hoky-poky with the trend cycle: one moment they’re in; the next they’re out. As of right now, they’re in with the younger crowd who have been finding new ways to experiment with old technology. When we say spiral perms, we mean one spiral perm in particular: the 80s favorite that turns your face into a geometry textbook, is impossible to wear hats with, and can leave your hair with permanent damage.
8. A-Line Bob with Fringe
Also called the Shingle Fringe, this style is roughly 100 years old and works best at certain angles. Louise Brooks and other starlets of the silent era used their facial expressions to make up for the lack of spoken dialogue, but this brutal hairstyle can age its wearers. Coupled with the fact that the most prominent wearers of this style are memeable cartoon characters such as Edna Mode and Lord Farquaad, you have a recipe for disaster.
9. Long Straight Hair
This style is to women what combovers are to men: a symbol of not letting go. For many people, hair acts as a security blanket, and those who have been growing it out can be loath to commit to a chop. Long hair without layers weighs down its wearer, and the longer you go without cutting it, the longer your dead ends will be.
10. Asymmetrical Bob
Asymmetrical bobs are modern and funky, but they don’t keep their shape long after you leave the salon chair. The key to this sort of hairstyle is its bluntness and sharp angles, which naturally soften over time. In the end, this cut is more maintenance than it's worth.
